The powerful mindset shift that can 10x your social circle
Why waiting for friendship keeps you lonely (and what to do instead)
Hey there!
The biggest mistake 90% of people make in their social life is waiting for friendship to happen to them.
Maybe you’ve told yourself that you just live in the wrong city. Or that you're too busy with work. Or that everyone else already has their friend groups locked in. I spent the entirety of my twenties telling myself the exact same thing. These stories keep you stuck, waiting for the perfect conditions or for someone else to make the first move.
But here's the truth: meaningful friendships don't just happen. They're created through intentional action and a fundamental mindset shift that most people never make.
The good news? Once you understand this shift, you can transform your social life regardless of your circumstances. Today, I’ll tell you everything you need to know to fix your friendship mindset:
Why waiting for friendship keeps you stuck
How to become someone people want to befriend
The power of "Friendship Karma"
Let’s dive in.
How to Attract High-Quality Friends Who Show Up When You Need Them
Most people think making friends is about being the most charming, successful, or interesting person in the room. They try to impress others with their accomplishments or social status, hoping to be deemed worthy of friendship.
But they’ve got it backwards. The secret to becoming friendable (the platonic equivalent to being f***able) isn’t about impressing others — it’s about consistently adding value to their lives.
Or put another way, if you want great friends, you first need to become a great friend.
Here’s exactly how to make that transformation through a mindset of giving:
3 Ways to Transform Your Social Life Through Giving
1. Stop Taking Inventory of What You're Missing
Imagine walking up to a stranger and saying, "I want to be your friend because I'm lonely." Feels uncomfortable, right? We might not say that literally, but that’s often the vibe those of us who are lonely give off, whether we realize it or not.
When we approach friendship from a place of need, we create weird power dynamics where others feel pressure to fill our emotional void. Suddenly, you’re not a peer — they see you as a project to fix. How many new project friends are you looking for in your life?
Instead of focusing on what you lack, start thinking about what you can offer. How can an interaction with you make someone’s day just a little brighter? Can you
Bring a spark of positive energy?
Give them a genuine compliment?
Listen eagerly to what excites them?
Invite them to meet new people or join a fun event?
You don’t need amazing talents or grand gestures. No matter how insecure you may feel, you can still make the lives of those around you better.
2. Create Opportunities Instead of Waiting for Invites
In my twenties, I spent most Saturday nights playing video games and waiting for party invites that never came. Then I had an epiphany: I hadn’t invited a single person to anything in over six months. How could I expect to receive what I wasn't willing to give?
When I moved to Austin, I started hosting monthly house parties and organizing group outings. Not only did I enjoy these events (after all I designed them to be fun for me 😉), but I also started receiving more invitations in return. People thought of me when planning their gatherings because I’d shown I was an initiator.
If you wait for the perfect invitation to show up, you might waste decades. Commit to being an initiator, and you can start building the social life of your dreams today.
Host the party. Start the club. Invite people out. Don’t wait, create.
3. Trust in Friendship Karma
As Kevin Kelly says, "Perhaps the most counterintuitive truth of the universe is that the more you give to others, the more you'll get." I call this Friendship Karma — the idea that your positive social actions create ripple effects that eventually return to you. When you create positive experiences for others, you build goodwill that naturally flows back to you. People remember how you made them feel, and they want to reciprocate.
This doesn't mean keeping score or expecting immediate returns. Your positive karma will often reflect back in surprising ways.
For example: If you invite eight people over for a board game night, it’s unlikely that all eight will invite you to something next week. But when one of them gets invited to another event, there’s a great chance they’ll think to include you.
Cultivate a generous spirit and trust that your positive actions will create a more fulfilling social life over time.
By adopting these three principles, you can start building the friendships you’ve always wanted. Let’s recap what we’ve covered today.
Abundant friendships start with the right mindset
Adding value to others’ lives makes you irresistibly friendable
Taking initiative is the fastest way to build your social circle
Action to take: The next time you meet someone new, try to make them smile. Add a little bit of fun to their day. Then, reply to this email to let me know how it went! I’d love to hear what worked for you or what you found challenging.
Friendship isn’t about luck. It’s about intention. By shifting your mindset and taking action, you can create the fulfilling social life you’ve always wanted. So go out there, make someone smile, and watch as your world begins to change.
Your friend,
-Connor
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