Vulnerability: A Guide for Men
The emotional skill most men were never taught and how to build it like a muscle
Most guys think vulnerability means talking about your feelings.
But that’s not quite right.
For a long time, I was the guy who shared everything. I talked about my breakups, my anxieties, my childhood wounds. I was emotionally open. I thought I was doing it right.
But something never clicked. I’d tell people my life story and still feel unseen. I was connecting, but not bonding.
Because while the best friendships start with generosity, they only deepen when you flip the script.
Real vulnerability isn’t about what you share. It’s about what you ask for.
The Seduction of Self-Reliance
Most men are trained to be self-contained.
We’re told: Handle your business. Don’t make your problems other people’s problems.
And honestly? That identity can feel amazing.
I’ve always admired Hemingway’s definition of courage: grace under pressure.
That’s who I’ve wanted to be. Calm. Capable. Trustworthy. The one who keeps it together when things fall apart.
But that image has a cost.
Because the second you ask for help, you risk losing the thing you’ve built your identity on: your competence. Your cool. Your “I’ve got this.”
So instead of saying “I’m overwhelmed,” we say, “It’s been a busy week.”
Instead of “I’m scared,” we say, “It’s been a lot, but I’m managing.”
Instead of “I need you,” we say nothing at all.
As a result, we’ve become a generation of men who can talk for hours about their career goals or their fantasy league, but who feel deeply alone and don’t know how to fix it.
Not because we’re broken.
But because we’ve never been taught what healthy dependence looks like.
The Truth about Vulnerability
Let’s define it properly.
Vulnerability is saying: “I can’t do this alone.”
That’s what makes it so terrifying. You’re not just giving someone information, you’re giving them a role. You’re letting their response matter.
That’s also why trauma dumping isn’t vulnerability. You’re sharing something difficult, yes. But you’re still maintaining control. Still signaling: “This happened to me, but I’ve got it handled.” Or “Please give me sympathy in the moment, but I don’t actually want anything real from you.” You don’t ask anything of the other person except their attention. You’re just unloading.
That’s not vulnerability. That’s performance.
Real vulnerability means surrendering control.
It’s letting someone in, not just letting something out.
How to Build the Muscle
The worst time to ask for help is when you’re at rock bottom.
Vulnerability is like squatting: you don’t start with 300 pounds. You start light, build technique, and add weight over time.
The best time to ask for help is when you don’t need it. Start small. Strike when the stakes are low!
Ask a friend’s opinion, and go with it (even if you disagree)
Instead of buying something you need, ask a friend to borrow theirs
Instead of taking an uber to the airport, ask for a ride
Yes, you could handle these things by yourself. But the point is to practice letting people in.
And here’s the secret: people want to help.
We all dream of being the person who gets called at 3am. It feels good to be trusted. To be useful. To matter.
Letting someone show up for you isn’t a burden.
It’s a gift.
The Risk and the Reward
Not everyone will meet you there.
Sometimes, you’ll open up and the other person won’t know what to do with it. They’ll deflect. Make a joke. Change the subject.
That hurts.
But it’s also clarifying.
Because the real win isn’t being met with perfect empathy. The win is learning who’s capable of going there with you.
You don’t need everyone to get it. You just need a few people who do.
If you want friendships that go deep, if you want a relationship that feels like home, you don’t need to share more.
You need to need more.
Here's What You Learned
Vulnerability isn’t about sharing your story. It’s about letting someone into it.
People want to be trusted with your mess. It gives them a role in your life
You don’t need to dump your heart out. Just ask for something small
Action step: Text a friend and ask for something small. A check-in. An opinion. A favor. Let them help. It doesn’t have to be deep.
And that’s another week in the books! As a small programming note, I’m navigating a few life changes, so I’m condensing down to one newsletter a week. We’re back to Fridays only for the time being. I really liked the twice weekly cadence, so I expect it’ll be back at some point, but I want to get through a pretty crazy May before I commit. Have a great weekend!
Your friend,
Connor
PS… I’ve recently started accepting private coaching clients. If you’d like to join my Founding Cohort, you can check out the details here.