Why 'I have enough friends' kills your social life
How to Build a Thriving Social Life Without Burning Out
⏳ Read time: 8 minutes
Hey there,
The moment you say, “I have enough friends, so I don’t need to make any more,” is the moment your social life starts dying.
We all want to fill our social cup. Our cups might be different sizes, but no one wants theirs to run empty. Even if your cup feels full, it’s leaking as we speak. Friends move away, priorities shift, life happens. If you aren’t actively making new friends, you’re slowly drifting toward social isolation. And like any other skill, your ability to make friends weakens without practice until it one day disappears.
Definitely not speaking from experience on that one *cough cough*.
That said, you probably don’t need 1,000 friends. I’ve made over 100 friends in Austin. Some people love that idea. Others tell me, “That sounds intimidating and exhausting.”
So how can we balance building an ever-blossoming social life with the realities of our social batteries?
Today, we’re going to break this down properly. You’ll learn about:
The Friendship Atlas: A framework that maps different types of friendships.
The secret metric to find your ideal number of friends.
How to assess where your social life might have gaps.
Let’s get into it.
The Ideal Number of Friends
I’ve spent the last week at SXSW in Austin. Everywhere I go, I’ve been asking strangers and new friends, “What’s your ideal number of friends?”
But the more I asked, the more I realized — it’s the wrong question entirely.
No matter what number you pick, it treats friendship like a single, uniform thing — like choosing the right number of chairs for a dining table. The problem is that the word “friend” is overloaded. One best friend isn’t worth the same as one acquaintance, though we might use the same word to describe both.
Some people crave deep, ride-or-die friendships. Others thrive on constant, lightweight connection. Neither is wrong; it’s just a different way of allocating social energy.
To answer the question properly, we first need to agree on the different types of friends.
The Friendship Atlas: A Better Way to Think About Your Social Life
Instead of thinking about friendship as a single number, it’s better to think about where your friendships fall on a spectrum — from the people who know your soul to the ones you barely know but might become close to one day.
Enter The Friendship Atlas: a framework for mapping your relationships into five distinct layers.
Each layer plays a different role in your social life and requires a different level of time, energy, and emotional bandwidth.
And most importantly, each layer is always shifting. Friendships aren’t static, and you should expect people to move up and down the chart as your relationships grow or fade.
Here’s how it breaks down:
#1: The Core (Lifelong Friends)
These are your ride-or-dies — the ones who will be there for you no matter where you live or what happens in either of your lives.
These aren’t just best friends, they’re the people who have stood the tests of time, distance, life changes, and everything in between. These are the BFFLs.
Many people don’t have anyone in this category, and that’s normal, especially if you’re in your 20s or early 30s. These are decade-spanning relationships that require years of shared history and being a part of each other’s life-defining moments.
#2: The Anchors (Best Friends of the Moment)
These are your most important friendships right now. You can share anything with them and they probably feel like best friends.
But unlike Core friendships, these relationships have yet to solidify forever. If one of you moves away or life changes, you would still think of each other fondly, but probably won’t stay as close.
If Core friends are your life’s foundation, Anchors are the ones keeping you steady right now.
#3: The Crew (Active & Dormant Friends)
This is your primary social circle. They’re the people you enjoy spending time with, but don’t necessarily have the deep connection of your Core or Anchors.
I break this level into two groups: Active and Dormant.
Active
These are people you see regularly, either in group settings or one-on-one. In the story of your life, this is the ensemble cast. The people who show up at your birthday party, join you for brunch, and text you about weekend plans.
You probably see each other at least monthly if not weekly, but you haven’t reached the same level of emotional depth as your Anchors.
Dormant
These are former Anchors or high-level Crew who have drifted out of your everyday life. They might’ve moved across the country, changed jobs, or hit a different life stage.
You don’t see each other as often, but the connection is still there. You talk occasionally, and when you do, it’s effortless. You fall right back into your old rhythm.
#4: The Fringe (Loose Ties & Familiar Faces)
This is the widest layer of your social world. They’re people you know but don’t actively maintain close relationships with. They’re friendly, but not quite friends.
What’s important to remember is that members of The Fringe aren’t just “extra people.” They are the foundations of your future friendships and your connection point to the broader world around you. The larger your Fringe, the more like you’ll feel like a familiar face and thriving member of your community.
I break this level into two groups: Loose Ties & Familiar Faces.
Loose Ties
These are people you’ve had meaningful interactions with at some point but don’t see regularly.
Maybe they’re an old coworker you grabbed drinks with a few times, a friend from college you lost touch with, or someone you always have great conversations with at a mutual friend’s parties. If you sent them a text, they’d remember you, and they’d probably be happy to hear from you.
Loose Ties are your bridge to new friendships, career opportunities, and unexpected adventures.
Familiar Faces
These are people you recognize and have small moments of connection with but don’t really know.
Think: the barista who remembers your order, the guy you always nod to at the gym, or the friend-of-a-friend you’ve met a few times but never had a real conversation with.
Familiar Faces make your world feel warmer and more connected, turning daily routines into community.
#5: Strangers (Future Friends You Haven’t Met Yet)
Strangers are the most overlooked layer of friendship, but they’re also the most important for your long-term social health.
Every close friend you’ve ever had was once a stranger. They’re not outside The Friendship Pipeline, they’re the start of it.
Strangers aren’t just random people. They’re the raw material for the relationships that will define your future.
Yes, I put my friends in a spreadsheet to test this framework. No, it is not available upon request.
Count Your Time, Not Your Friends
So what’s the ideal number of friends at each layer?
Sike! There’s no universal answer.
Instead, what matters more than the number of people is how much time we invest at each layer.
Think of your social life like an investment portfolio. Diversify well, and your friendships will thrive. Overinvest in one area, and you’ll feel off-balance, either too isolated, too stagnant, or unfulfilled.
The Optimal Social Portfolio
Not everyone’s social life looks the same. Some people thrive on deep, close-knit friendships, while others enjoy a constantly expanding network.
Most people thrive with a mix of deep friendships and social variety. Here’s an ideal time split to keep your social life balanced:
But not everyone needs the same balance. Your ideal Friendship Portfolio depends on your personality, lifestyle, and goals.
Some people thrive on deep, lifelong connections. Others love a constantly expanding network. The key is balance — no matter your life stage, you should always be investing in every layer.
What Happens If Your Time Balance Is Off?
Most social problems come from spending too much or too little time in one category.
Too much time with Core + Anchors (70%+):
Your world shrinks. You rely on a few close friends but have no fresh energy in your social life.
If a best friend moves away, you might feel lost.
Too much time with The Crew (40%+):
You’re social, but nothing feels deep.
You have people to hang out with, but no one to open up to.
Too much time with The Fringe (25%+):
You feel socially drained from surface-level interactions.
Your schedule is full, but it feels like you don’t truly belong anywhere.
Too much time with Strangers (10%+):
You’re constantly networking but struggle to form deep bonds.
Every interaction is a first impression, nothing ever deepens.
How to Rebalance Your Social Time
If you feel isolated…
You’re craving more social activity.
Spend more time with The Crew to maintain regular social connection.
Reconnect with Dormant friendships (people you were once close with).
If you feel unfulfilled…
You have people to hang out with, but no deep connections.
Invest more time in Core & Anchors. Schedule deep 1:1 hangouts.
Reduce time in surface-level interactions and focus on depth.
If your social life feels stagnant…
You see the same people all the time, but don’t meet anyone new.
Spend more time with The Fringe & Strangers.
Say yes to more invites, attend new events, and introduce yourself to new people.
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Here’s what you learned today:
Friendships exist in layers
The ideal number of friends doesn’t matter, how you invest your time does
Neglecting any layer will eventually cause issues
Your ideal Friendship Portfolio depends on your personality and life stage.
Action Step: Take five minutes to map your own Friendship Atlas.
Who fits into each layer?
Think about the last month. How much time did you allocate to each layer?
Is there anywhere you need to rebalance?
When I did the exercise, I put 0 people in my Core, 6 in Anchors, 20 in Crew, and 84 in Fringe. Last month, my allocation was
32% Core + Anchor
22% Crew
33% Fringe
13% Strangers
I clearly like to prioritize new connections, though I was surprised to see how relatively little time I was spending with my Crew.
And that’s it!
The best part about friendship? It’s never finished.
Your social life is always evolving. New people enter, old connections fade, and some friendships deepen in unexpected ways. The key is to stay intentional.
Special shoutout to everyone I met at South By this week and all of the new readers. I’d love to hear about your Friendship Portfolio! Who’s in your layers, and where are you focusing your energy? Hit reply and let me know. Till next time!
Your friend,
Connor
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