You Need More Co-Conspirators

The missing ingredient in your social life isn’t more friends, it’s the right kind

Why do some friendships feel comforting but not fulfilling? It’s because they operate in different timezones.

We all have catch-up friends. The kind of people you invite to brunch to trade life updates or the people you check in with on Zoom every six months. These are friends of your past, not your present. And while they matter, they can’t carry your social life alone.

To build something vibrant, you need both kinds: friendships that honor your history, and friendships that create new chapters.

Today, I want to talk about how to cultivate both types of relationships and what happens when your balance gets out of whack. We’ll cover:

• The two energies every friendship runs on

• Why most people over-rely on catch-up connections

• How to build friendships that stay alive in real time

Let’s dig in.

What Friendship Feeds On

A few weeks ago, I created a framework I call The Friendship Atlas. At the time, I thought the best way to describe friendships was by their emotional closeness.

But after reading a few essays this week (shoutout to Charlie for sending them my way), I realized something was missing.

Friendships aren’t just points on a map.
They’re vectors.
And my graph was missing an axis.

The Friendship Atlas maps closeness but it lacks temporality.

Because friendships don’t just exist in space.
They feed on energy.
And that energy flows through time.

Some friendships are powered by nostalgia. They live in the past, maintained through memory.

Others are powered by shared experience. They’re alive in the present, fueled by what you’re doing together.

Once I saw that axis, I couldn’t unsee it.

Catch-Up Friends

Catch-up friends are powered by reflection.

These aren’t just people you used to be close with, though some are. More often, they’re people you share history with: a past job, a travel experience, a formative life phase. You don’t see each other often, but when you do, something clicks.

They know a version of you that’s no longer fully visible to the people in your life now. The high school friend who remembers your awkward teenage years. The old coworker who saw you panic before your first big presentation. The roommate who watched you fall in love for the first time.

Spending time with these friends doesn’t always feel dynamic, but it does feel grounding. They help you clarify the narrative arc of your life.

They say things like:

• “You’ve always been like that.”

• “Remember when you thought you’d never figure it out?”

• “It’s wild how far you’ve come.”

Sometimes you need to be reminded of your own storyline. That’s what catch-up friends are for.

They’re also people you genuinely care about, even if your lives don’t overlap anymore. You want to know how they’re doing. You want to root for them. There’s still affection, even if there’s less momentum.

Co-Conspirators

Co-conspirator friends are powered by shared experience.

They’re the people in your present. The ones who already know the context. They saw it happen. Maybe they were beside you.

You might be building something together, a group, a habit, a project, or just living life on a similar rhythm. What matters isn’t the activity. It’s that you’re doing something together.

These friendships aren’t driven by updates or narrative arcs. They’re driven by momentum.

You don’t need to explain yourself. You just need to show up.

That’s what makes co-conspirators so powerful. They’re the ones who:

• Make new memories with you every week

• Build inside jokes without trying

• Ask how something went because they already knew it was coming

Where catch-up friends help you make sense of life, co-conspirators help you live it.

They’re not a snapshot of who you were. They’re in the frame with you now.

Finding Balance

A vibrant social life needs both catch-up friends and co-conspirators.

Too many catch-up friends, and your social life turns into a nostalgia loop. You’re rehashing old memories, but not creating new ones. You feel comforted, but stuck.

Too many co-conspirators, and your social life starts to feel chaotic or shallow. You’re doing a lot, but not processing any of it. You’re always in motion but rarely in meaning.

You need both. Catch-up friends give your memories shape. Co-conspirators keep your story moving forward.

And these roles aren’t fixed.

Someone you used to see every week might become a once-a-year check-in. A catch-up friend might re-enter your life if they move to your city. A co-conspirator who just got back from vacation? This week they’re a catch-up. Next week they’re back in.

Most friendships begin in co-conspirator mode and eventually drift into catch-up mode. That’s why it’s so important to keep meeting people, especially as an adult. It’s how you stay connected to the present, not just your past.

What matters is noticing the mix.

What you learned

• Friendships feed on either nostalgia or shared experience

• You need both catch-up friends and co-conspirators to feel fulfilled

• Most friendships drift into catch-up mode—so you have to actively create new momentum

👉 Action step: Open your calendar. Look at the last month. Who did you catch up with? Who did you co-create something with? If the balance feels off, make one small move to course-correct.

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I hope you’re enjoying the new twice-per-week publishing cadence. I’m having a fun time playing around with my formats and storytelling. Leave a comment or hit reply. I’d love to hear what you think!

Outside of writing, I’ve been testing my one rep maxes at the gym this week. New PR: 245 lbs in the squat. I also just got a DEXA scan and clocked in at 16% body fat (down from 30% a year ago). Never underestimate how much your life can change in a year. Till next time!

Your friend,

Connor

PS… If you’re looking to 10x your social life in Austin, I wrote a free guide to help you find the best places to meet people and make friends. Grab your copy here!