The 6 Types of Loneliness (and How to Fix Them)
Because feeling lonely doesn’t always mean being alone
Hey there,
The solution to loneliness isn't to "make more friends."
That’s because “loneliness” isn’t one thing. All thriving social lives look remarkably similar, but every lonely person is stuck in their own specific way. Sometimes they’re physically isolated. Other times, they’re surrounded by people.
Over the years, I've experienced most types of loneliness myself. Without a framework to diagnose what was actually wrong, I felt stuck with no idea how to fix it.
After analyzing my own friendship struggles (and helping dozens of others with theirs), I've identified six distinct patterns that keep people socially stuck and exactly how to break out of each one.
Today, I'm sharing my diagnostic framework so you can diagnose which one is sabotaging your social life. Let’s break it down.
The 6 Types of Loneliness
Here's the thing: each type of loneliness has a different root cause and requires a completely different solution. Trying to fix social stagnation with the same approach you'd use for lack of depth is like treating a broken leg with cough medicine.
Once you can accurately diagnose your specific pattern, the fix becomes obvious.
1. No Novelty
"I spend all my time with the same people"
The problem: This is the loneliness of social stagnation. You have friends, but your social circle feels like a closed loop. You see the same faces, have the same conversations, and never feel like you're growing or being challenged.
The fix isn't complicated: you need to systematically inject new people into your life.
The solution: Set a goal to meet one new person every two weeks. Join a new hobby group, attend different events, or start hosting gatherings where your existing friends bring someone new. The key is making novelty a regular part of your social routine, not a once-in-a-while accident.
2. No Initiation
"I'm surrounded by people, but I never make the first move"
The problem: You're great at having conversations, but terrible at turning them into connections. You meet interesting people at work, events, or through mutual friends, but you never extend the invitation to hang out again.
The solution: The solution is having a go-to "closing" line ready before you need it. (I suggest inviting them to your Anchor Event.) Mine is: "You seem really cool. I host monthly house parties. Would you mind if I invited you to the next one?" Practice your version until it feels natural. The goal isn't to be smooth; it's to have something prepared so you don't freeze up in the moment.
3. No Consistency
"Everyone feels ephemeral. I’m always catching up instead of making new memories in the moment."
The problem:Your friendships exist in sporadic bursts. You'll have an amazing night with someone, then not see them for three months. Every interaction feels like you're starting over, never building real momentum.
The solution: This requires calendar discipline. Pick 2-3 people you want to deepen relationships with and put them in your recurring schedule. Maybe it's a monthly dinner, a weekly walk, or joining them for something they already do regularly. See them frequently enough that you don’t need to catch up on each other’s lives and you can enjoy each other’s company in the present. Look for co-conspirators. Consistency beats intensity every time.
4. No Depth
"I can't be vulnerable and no one knows the real me"
The problem: You have plenty of surface-level friendships but struggle to move past small talk. You feel like you're performing a version of yourself rather than being authentic, and you suspect your friends don't really know who you are.
The solution: Start small with controlled vulnerability. Don’t trauma dump. Instead, ask for something small. Share something slightly personal to invite the other person into your inner world. Show that you trust them and give them space to reciprocate.
5. No Proximity
"All my friendships are remote or virtual"
The problem: Your closest friends live in different cities, or you've built your social life entirely online. You crave in-person connection but feel like you're starting from scratch locally.
The solution: You need to systematically build local connections while maintaining your remote ones. Commit to one local social event per week and stick to it for at least two months. Join recurring activities where you'll see the same people repeatedly. Consistency is what turns acquaintances into friends.
6. No Reciprocity
"I give people my energy, but don't receive it back"
The problem:You're always the one reaching out, planning events, and providing emotional support. Your friendships feel one-sided, leaving you drained rather than energized.
The solution: This is the hardest one to fix because it requires both boundary-setting and friend selection. Start tracking who initiates contact over the next month. If someone never reaches out first, gradually reduce your investment. Simultaneously, look for people who match your energy and reciprocate your efforts. Quality over quantity becomes crucial here.
Here's what you learned today:
Loneliness has 6 distinct patterns, each requiring different solutions
Most people get stuck because they're applying the wrong fix to their specific type of isolation
The key is honest self-diagnosis before taking action
Action step: Read through the 6 types again and identify which one resonates most strongly with your current situation. That's your starting point. Focus on solving that specific pattern before moving to the others.
What’d you think of my new framework? I’d love to hear your feedback, especially if there’s a type of loneliness you think I missed.
As I mentioned last week, I still owe you a bonus, life-recap issue. This was not the week (and the way things are trending, next week might not be either), but I hope to have it done fairly soon. As always, thank you for reading. Have a great weekend!
Your friend,
Connor
PS... If you're enjoying The Friendship Engineer newsletter, please consider sharing this edition or referring it to a friend. It goes a long way in helping grow the newsletter (and creating more friendships in the world).
This is so good. I can totally see these types and have experienced many of them.
Hosting events has been helpful for me, and I would like more depth and novelty these days. This is helpful, thanks!